Unbelievable Tales is a 2006 short film by Justin Roiland and some other weirdos who helped make Rick and Morty. every Roiland short is an historical atrocity, but this one is especially is made of, and probably on, crack and somehow I haven't been able to stop watching it. In this installment of Dyna Ranks, Dyna ranks the characters in this monstrosity
it's sure to be un...forgettable, haha, am I right? bait and switch. also, i'm only counting characters with voices so sorry @the 2 boys and also the cat clock, you're too insignificant to be in this ranking
#8: Lil' Jeremiah's momEdit
~there's no picture here because I don't feel comfortable downloading a screenshot of buttocks shitting~
Lil' jeremiah is a weird enough character but somehow his mom is even weirder, consisting only of a disembodied voice and a butt that feeds jeremiah his lunch. i kinda doubt he eats any other meals, it's just that for lunch every day. Lil' Jeremiah's mom seems nice enough--she's concerned that her kid has a good lunch, and makes sure he's having fun in his daily activities--but in the end this is one of the more overt ways roiland shocks the audience here and this is probably the part of Unbelievable Tales I enjoy the least. a good enough character, but it was created for inhumane purposes, so extinguished it shall be
clue for #7: it's a kid
#7: Lil' JeremiahEdit
Lil' Jeremiah is supposed to be the star of his own short but he seems like a real jerk about the whole thing. His first words are calling the viewer a worthless cocksucker and then he brings his friend out in the ocean to his eventual death. It's hard to tell how he feels about anything, given the weird monotone of his voice, but he seems weirdly happy about the whole thing in a rather disturbing way. the only issue is that he's kind of a prop, used to further whatever plot there is of his own short. he's just unnecessarily focused on and it's annoying. His part of the tale wasn't even that unbelievable, I don't get all the hype
basically I imagine all the segments came out of some kind of fever dream, and Lil' jeremiah is the most rushed and least interesting part of any of the segments. head writer crumply seems to be doing a bad job
clue for #6: it's another kid
I actually originally had ralphie at #5? but I realized that the same monotone voice is used for both of them; while Ralphie plays a more interesting part in Unbelievable Story, being the kid that dies and the one who enjoys the water brushing against he genitals (coming-of-age budding sexuality is always an interesting trope; just ask sprink), he doesn't even get a name. he's basically LJ's underling, and seems content with that. also his character design is marginally worse. I do like that, in one of unbelievable tales' more subdued moments of violence, he dies underwater getting his eye poked out by a fish, but. really, this whole segment is inexcusable, I can't beat around the bush any longer
clue for #5: nice voice
#5: Stab Sex KidEdit
stab sex kid is #5 partly because he has the unfortunate name of Stab Sex Kid, but mostly because his role in the short is to be part of the most high-effort upping of fuckery. the same woman voiced all 3 of the kids, but unlike the other two instances of child abuse/violence/murder/what have you in the short she actually gave the Stab Sex Kid kind of a cute voice, and the "Sure mister!" breaks my heart every time. figuratively i mean this is roiland we're talking about, at this point i'm incredibly desensitized.
Anyway, his existence is actually a good thing in unbelievable tales--it kinda shows that. Roiland is actually distorting pathos by having a kid with an actual kid like voice say "ah! you're fucking the stab hole!" idk his face looks like Arthur mixed with mr. poopybutthole and a stick of butter, and while on the whole it's childlike, it's not something I really enjoy or find super funny. well-done, though
#4: Crumply CrumplesteinEdit
SHOCK BOOT TIME!!! Crumply Crumplestein is admittedly a hell of a character--he has the most airtime in the entire short and is apparently extremely successful, but pushes other people away because of arbitrary "things on my mind", and kidnaps, rapes, and kills two children in the short, calling them his inspiration with the implication that he's done so to more.
That's a lot to unpack.
Admittedly his first segment is pretty relatable--it must be hard to communicate, over just a TV hosting gig, the thoughts you have on your mind, and it must be a struggle to look at countless unbelievable tales week after week (most of them seemingly being about child rape) and not view them as a parallel to your own life. Unfortunately he loses all real positives after he flips out at Slippery Slappers--we're treated to a drawn-out monologue of him wishing he could set the children he's abducted free, when obviously he doesn't, and won't, because roiland has to keep being shocking.
I think the whole thing is intended to be played for serious, somber drama amidst the supposedly raunchy comedy of the two shorts, but in the end it feels meandery and half-hearted. honestly that's much of my complaints about Rick and Morty in itself--it's supposed to juggle fucked-upness and real human emotion in a balanced way, but in reality most of the time, effort and humor seems to be spent on fucked-up things and weird sci fi bullshit roiland & company like hitting us over the head with, and actual humanity is treated as a farce or a thorn in the plot--much like what happens with our dear Crumply. We know he's not going to free the kids, and we know his emotional struggle really isn't worth anything because it's just going to be counteracted by some cheery music for whiplash and humor.
speaking of Rick and Morty! crumply reappeared as King Jellybean on rick and morty and his plotline there actually IS one of the well-done human moments in the show. but in the end it's sort of a harsh reminder of reality in a fantasy world rather than a chance at human connection. so that doesn't add much
also he's head writer of Unbelievable Tales but at least one is shit tier and the other isn't that great, so, i don't know why his show's so wildly successful
clue for #3: appears in silly silly fun fun
#3: Creepy ManEdit
ok I can't deny it--as treacherous and degenerate as Silly Silly Fun Fun's brief plot is, the creepy man is actively hilarious. I love his YOU GOT IT! after the stab sex kid recognizes his yo yo trick and I love that he goes YOU'LL RUGRATS'LL LOVE THESE YO YO TRICKS and also the fact that he learned yo yo tricks entirely to attract kids to have sex with. Even his dementedness is hilarious just because of the clumsy way he promises not to penetrate the kid and then. whoops. he starts fucking the stabhole. Also his sex noises are kind of ironically hilarious especially because you can't see anything going on. Yeah, it's graphic, and the stab sex kid's reaction makes me sad, but he's pretty funny for what it's worth.
Also he looks like Ed from ed edd & eddy. Creepy sex man--maybe the only dark, black comedy part of Unbelievable Tales that actually......works? i dunno, i guess we'll see
#2: Little DipperEdit
in the end, Little Dipper is incidental at best to Unbelievable Tales. All he does is show up, be dizzy a bit, and then bang his head onto a fire hydrant, leading to his untimely death. There is some humor in it though! firstly, why is it a special appearance when he seems to have legit no idea what to do. second, he takes any possible shock you get from the previous events of Silly Silly Fun Fun away, seemingly unaware that a guy is fucking a kid's stabhole in the background. and, most crucially, he is actually voiced by a familiar voice.
that's right, Little Dipper is voiced by Justin himself, and that is the only reason he's this high up--the first time I watched this short I was so confused and lost, and then finally one element of Roiland's work I actually was familiar with showed up. His weird high-pitched confused Whoaaaaaa voice is like one of the three voices he can pull off but it's still funny to hear in any appearance he makes, it's funny when I say aw geez rick in my head to myself, and it's funny here. And, until Jump by the Pointer Sisters shows up, it is what saves Unbelievable Tales as it starts dipping (heh) in quality toward the end. Good job. whooooooaaaa my head's so big
#1: Slippery SlappersEdit
ok there was no question Voice Announcer Slippery Slappers was going to be #1. he's, in essence, everything weirdly hilarious and good about Unbelievable Tales--his announcing voice is so sharp and smooth, he narrates everything like he knows what's going to happen, and of course he gives us the iconic line "I'm threeeeee people!"
Slippery Slappers's voice sounds throughout this entire thing like he carries this. weird omniscience of the entire short, but is content enough to not get involved in how weird things will get. It's worth noting he's seemingly the only character in the entire short who doesn't commit a crime or die, although I suppose the two lifeless human bodies conjoined to his face must be some kind of distorted alchemic work. Either way, that whole front doesn't do much other than give him the appearance of a jolly old grandfatherly figure who could probably kick your ass--but isn't that what all great villains are?
I hope to god he someday appears in Rick & Morty so we can explore his character further, because who knows what goes on in the life of a man who is Threeeee people! and spends every day announcing the most fucked up wildly successful show on television. His status in the short, though, is fantastic as it is, because he provides actual comedy in a way that only adds to and bounces off of the madness and the dark reality that This Is A Short People Made. Smith Harrison, god bless him, is an actual voice actor and not a Channel 101 person I don't think, unlike most of the other characters' actors, and I think that itself gives slippery slappers a comforting presence, away from the madness.
In the end, he's just a very good character who excels both because of and in spite of the disgusting madness that came out of justin roiland's brain and ended up in this short. And, with him as the capstone, the crown jewel of Unbelievable Tales, this ranking is over, because if I watch any part of this short that's not his segments or the end credits any more times my sensibilities will forever be ruined and my insides will probably start screaming.